‘Real World: DC’ Would Like a Butt Massage, Please

It’s telling when an episode starts with a reminder of who some of these people are. We’re talking about Erika and Josh, the two roommates who until last night had remained largely out of focus. What did we find out about these two? Erika’s a wannabe singer and Josh a wannabe badass, both with a very long way to go. Also, we found out that Emily likes her butt massaged, preferably at all times.

Read on to find out how the eight strangers fared this week:

Emily: Things we learned about Emily in this episode: (1) rub her butt and you’re golden, (2) she can correctly use the word “substantial” in a sentence while drunk, (3) every and any thing is always about Emily, even when it’s not, and (4) she’s a bully. We give her some props for 2, but 3 and 4 and especially her unlady-like repeated calls for 1 land her at the bottom.

Ty: “I don’t want somebody who doesn’t like me,” says a heartbroken Ty near the very end of the episode. It’s the first sensible thing to come out of his mouth since, well, the show first started airing, but—to borrow the words of the seasoned relationship guru JoJo—baby, it’s just too little too late. Not even a butt massage could win us over at this point.

Josh: Now that we’ve seen more about Josh, we wish he’d remained a mystery. Dude’s a total creep. He shows not an ounce of remorse when confronted by his girlfriend, Ashley, about making out with another girl, uttering the priceless retort, “I’m not having sex with anybody. I’m not getting my dick sucked.” We rest our case.

Callie: Callie continues her country bumpkin ways, this time complaining about how every guy she meets is a douche bag. Well, duh. That’s what happens when the only place you hang out is Georgetown. Her natural denseness may be amusing, but Callie loses big points for her increasingly irritating lack of backbone.

Ashley: The crazy takes a break this week, with very little to do in the episode other than eavesdrop on her roommates and discuss drunk dialing. Fear not, though. The bitch is back in full force next week!

Erika: Big-time changes for this one. She goes from spewing banalities in sentences to spewing banalities in verses! We’re probably being a bit harsh. In all fairness, we couldn’t make out all the lyrics to “I Can’t Miss You” because of the microphone feedback. The song, Erika explains, is her way of dealing with repeatedly being the dumpee in a relationship—a much, much healthier approach to a breakup, than say, faking cancer.

Mike: Mike does two good things before disappearing into oblivion—or maybe work, since he seems to be the only roommate with a “job”: (1) he shows off his biceps, and (2) he shows some wit when he backhandedly compliments Josh’s girlfriend. “I like Ashley. She’s like a real person, only smaller. She’s pocket-sized!” Small people everywhere weep.

Andrew: There’s not much pimpin’ going on for Panda this episode, but he remain victorious. A victory he manages not only for calling out Emily on her hypocritical ways, but because—who would’ve thought—he’s the most rational member of the house. Until next week when he blows up at Ashley, that is . . .

For more Real World: DC recaps, click here.

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Alejandro Salinas