It’s Mortal Combat Time on ‘The Real World: DC’

Last night’s episode was yet another disappointing installment in this dismal season. Emily and Ty were once again engaged in a fight, and the rest of the roommates were left with very little to do other than pick sides. Predictably, the girls and the gay sided with Emily, while the other guys sided with Ty. A house meeting was called into order, people were admonished, promises were made, and . . . zzzz.

Bored to death, we couldn’t help but wonder: What if instead of having a house meeting, the roommates had decided to engage in brutal mortal combat? (Cue: this song.)

Here’s how we reimagined last night’s episode:

The opening credits end.

The death match picks up where last week’s episode left off: A roid-raging Ty has mistakenly pushed teammate Andrew off the ~~banister~~ ring, temporarily disabling him from combat. Emily seizes this opportunity to deliver some solid blows at a stupefied—or is it just stupid?—Ty with the help of teammates Callie, Erika, and Ashley. Meanwhile the gay, Mike, just stands about, mouth agape, occasionally saying things like “It’s not funny” and “Let’s never do that again.” Oh—and he does so while wearing pink Juicy Couture sweatpants with the HRC logo emblazoned on the butt area, because this is our fantasy, so why not?

Cornered on a side of the ring by his enemies, Ty desperately looks about for his other teammate, Creepy Curls . . . er, Josh, only to discover the latter is off the ring, deeply engrossed in makeup application while simultaneously dry-humping cougar Kelly Ann. “What ever happened to bros before hos?” yells a terrified Ty seconds before being pounced upon by the girls. Ty is knocked face first to the floor, and Emily and Callie quickly jump on top of him to prevent him from moving. Then, against the rules of fair combat, Emily and Callie go Guantanamo Gangsta on Ty, forcing him to listen to an Ashley-and-Erika conversation. The end seems nigh for Ty, as his brain turns to waste and begins to seep out of one ear. Grasping for life, he utters promises of rainbows, unicorns, and Teletubbies.

The trick works: Callie is so besotted by the idea of petting a real-life unicorn that she lets go of her hold on Ty. “Can I dye its hair tips like mine?” she says. “And dress it in a ‘taxation without representation’ T-shirt? DC is soo cool!” Emily doesn’t have the heart to tell her about unicorns. Meanwhile, Erika switches from torturing Ty to lecturing him about getting help. The move backfires—and not just because I’m With Cancer . . . Just Kidding! is the last person who should be acting sanctimonious. In that instant, Andrew, who everyone had given up on, jumps back into the ring. He’s wearing a neck brace. Also, he’s not wearing pants. Or underwear. Panda’s little panda distracts Ashley and Erika long enough for him to slap both across the face with the neck brace. The girls are knocked unconscious and out of competition, leveling the match to a two-on-two battle. Mike? He’s busy emblazoning “mike-sexual” on the front of his pants.

Ty frees himself of Emily’s grasp and, with Andrew covering for him, runs over to his team’s side of the ring to consume more roid juice. Strengthened by his magical juice, Ty is immune to Emily’s blows and her jiggly thighs. Also, he grows two arms, resembling this dude. A powerless Emily resorts to name-calling before asking for some time-out to call her ~~mom~~ former wrestling champ Chyna for advice. ~~Mom~~ Chyna tells Emily never to do a VH1 show or one of MTV’s Real World/Road Rules challenges and then hangs up. In the meantime, Callie is so overwhelmed by thoughts of seeing her very first unicorn that she spontaneously combusts, leaving behind a cloud of sparkles and cartoon birds.

Outnumbered, Emily pulls the ultimate girl move: crocodile tears. The ploy works, and Andrew is swayed to her side. Together, the two are strong enough to fight four-armed Ty but not strong enough to overpower him. That is, until Emily manages to get a hold of Ty’s magical juice. She drinks from the Kool-Aid and grows an extra set of arms as well, turning into this. She corners Ty and then finishes him off with this move.

End credits.

Narrator: Next week on The Real World: Callie is alive! She’s alive! And back just in time to yell at Erika.

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