Real Housewives Winners and Losers: Week Five

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives opened with a shot of Oasis Winery, looking bizarrely parched and ruin-esque. So obviously the Bravo producers were not only setting the scene for the continuation of the most awkward dinner party in history, but they’re also trying to prepare us for the mind-boggling weirdness that was about to unfold, including the FBI (allegedly), a human Tiny Tears doll, a gay man who isn’t a hairdresser (thank you, Bravo for not subjecting us to awful ginger Jason this week), and some kind of bizarre scene involving an ambulance that’s never actually explained. Tune in next week to see if this whole Real Housewives of Twin Peaks thing is permanent, or if it was just a bad dream. Regardless, here are the winners and losers of episode five.

Winner, Expert-Grooming Edition: Mary Amons. There must be some kind of finishing school they send heiresses to where they teach them how to cry without ruining their makeup. How else could Mary have perfected the sheer feat of engineering she managed at Tareq’s dinner table? In one easy motion, she cried, dried her eyes, and fixed her makeup, armed with only a tissue and seemingly double-jointed wrists. It was like Princess Diana, only better. I’m not going to bring up Tareq’s drunken accusations because just making up stuff doesn’t warrant it being repeated (xoxo, Gossip Girl), but mad props to Lolly for taking the whole business so gracefully and speaking this pearl of wisdom: “Because Tareq Salahi’s such a credible source.”

Loser, Soundbite Edition: Lynda Erkiletian. We love Lynda, and we love her family and her gorgeous boyfriend and her dog and her penchant for ginormous glasses of Scotch, and I wish she were my mom so she could give me my own giant bedroom in her fancy new house. But this habit of saying things about Washington like they’re profound truisms has got to stop. Example one: “Sometimes I think Michaele and Tareq just make stuff up.” To which I respond, “Duh!” Example two: “Washington, DC, has a special etiquette. You can think what you want but you can’t say it.” As opposed to where? North Korea? I’m pretty sure that even in Pyongyang you can think what you want about King Jong Il (for example, that he’s a pudgy-faced, psychotic despot) as long as you don’t say it. Washington is no different, Lynda—Barack Obama can’t read minds (if he could, he’d be getting better poll results).

Winner, “Almost Making Me Like Her and Then Ruining It” Edition: Cat Ommanney. You have to wonder with Cat. When she complains that people don’t like her and she’s made out to be the bitch all the time, does she have temporary amnesia? Is it really acceptable even in England to go to lunch with someone and insult them for an hour? (If it is, I missed that class in civ-ed.) And because she doesn’t like Obama and she doesn’t like Republicans, who does she like? Ross Perot? Cat had some amazing lines this week (“Republicans are like the bottom of a glass of wine. Dregs. Plain clothes, plain people”), and she looks uncannily like Sarah Palin, but you know you’re in trouble when Michaele Salahi says something not too far off the mark about you: “She can give it out but she can’t take it.” Also, it’s totally going to be awkward in 2012 when Cat’s husband, Charles the White House photographer, is forced to drive around with President Palin all day, and she gets back at him by dressing up as a brassy British blonde.

Loser, Republican Edition: Edwina Rogers. Who is this person? She looks and talks like Chris Farley in drag. She wears hats that look like Salvador Dali designed them. Her name is inexplicable (“Ed-WINN-a”). She’s more dementedly blinky and wide-eyed than even Michaele herself. She throws parties in what looks like the storage room at the back of Recessions (which is where the Real Housewives should go if they really want to have a good time). She follows Cat’s insults by saying, “Is that a cucumber sandwich?” I love her. This woman deserves a show all on her own. A brief Google search informed me that she wraps gifts in money, which is something I could definitely get behind. As long as she isn’t dead, which she definitely could be since she was last seen being carted out of a hotel on a stretcher in what looked like a body bag.

Winner, Equality Edition: David Catania. Because he’s gay and he isn’t a hairdresser and he went to a party hosted by a Republican lobbyist to try to espouse the virtues of healthcare reform. This is a good man. I kind of wish he hadn’t sullied his good name by participating in this goat rodeo, but I’m glad he’s representing Washington better than Paul Wharton, et al. Speaking of which, where is Paul Wharton? Shouldn’t he be saying things about people behind their backs somewhere? Apparently he went dancing with Cat last night in the real Washington and went to Cirque du Soleil Wednesday, so hopefully next season we’ll see him stirring up trouble between Chinese gymnasts. One can only hope.

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