The 9 Kinds of Metro Haters

The Nostalgics

Illustrations by Todd Detwiler.

Metro was so much better when there were only three lines.

I feel bad for everyone involved all the time, at this point. But Metro is now that cool kid from high school that fell off the deep end

— Clinton Yates (@clintonyates) September 22, 2015

Back in the day, you could leave around 5am and beat the #wmata rush hour mess. But these ‘late clearing trackwork’ BS changed that

— DC Metro Connection (@DCMConnection) August 12, 2015

Left the DC metro area in ’92. #wmata What happened to you?

— Leona Humphries (@Gingersling) August 6, 2015

The Doomsayers

Often it seems like the apocalypse will arrive before the train…

#wmata has 50% of train lines dead today & they are about to take over the “troubled” silver spring thing? Hahaha! Sense of impending doom.

— DogsOfSample (@DogsOfSample) August 6, 2015

WMATA Red Line suffering from a mysterious appearance of black oil. Wasn’t that an X-Files plot? http://t.co/Pmj9dsYflU

— Rob Pegoraro (@robpegoraro) July 15, 2015

Walking down A street telling people metro is closed. Feels like I’m some mythical harbinger of doom. I need a scythe.

— Tim Krepp (@timkrepp) September 21, 2015

Related: The Infuriating History of How Metro Got So Bad

The Nihilists

…And sometimes it actually does.

#wmata. People with babies jumping fence at Arlington cemetery. Get us of the platform #dcmetro

— Mary (@merrymaryphilli) December 13, 2014

Just saw someone kiss a bible before getting on a @Metrorailinfo train. That’s what it’s come to. #wmata

— Jason (@itsJayLa) June 29, 2015

So there’s unexplained oil on the #wmata tracks. Ppl scrubbing. Anyone think to just set it on fire? What’s one more fire at this point?!

— . (@vxgxn) July 15, 2015

so @wmata has become actual Hell

— Rio (@hellorio) August 7, 2015

The Comedians

These people would be out of material if the trains ran on time.

ZOD: the Phantom Zone can’t hold me forever, Kal-El SUPERMAN: true, but i know a place that can [hands him a WMATA ticket] ZOD: NOOOOOOOO

— Matt Ford (@fordm) January 8, 2015

The metro didn’t flood, #WMATA is just beta testing its new gondola service… @dcist pic.twitter.com/oGjIO8ypI7

— djecha (@djecha) December 16, 2014

Remember: #WMATA trips are lovingly handcrafted from hope and misplaced tractor parts. They take time because they’re rustic.

— Fake Dan Stessel (@fakestessel) August 25, 2015

The Paranoiacs

Metro is out to get these people—personally.

.@wmata DO YOU HATE ME? B/c the time I spend on the red line is quickly becoming the worst part of my day .@unsuckdcmetro

— Lexi Thayer (@Thayer_Lexi) June 30, 2015

Lies!! Why do you hate me @wmata WHY!!! pic.twitter.com/972GpVitLM

— scargregjim (@scargregjim) February 28, 2015

Convinced that the DC metro is one big social experiment.

— Austin Pendergist (@apthirteen) August 6, 2015

Really @wmata really?!! You’re killing me!! #metroproblems pic.twitter.com/20p9FTIGv5

— Ashley Boney (@BoneyBologna) May 11, 2015

The New York Exceptionalists

This would never happen on the F train!

Days like today I miss the New York Subway. Rats live in there. It takes a lot to make you miss the Subway. #WMATA #CommuteFromHell

— CJR (@conorjrogers) August 6, 2015

How is it that @wmata a young, small system is worse than much older, larger system @MTA #CONFUSED

— Jeron Rhodes (@jjrhodes2009) August 6, 2015

Didn’t think it was possible, but DC metro makes me regret ever talking shit about the MTA. How do ppl live like this?

— Madeline Gomez (@madgomez) September 6, 2015

The Wonks

It’s Washington, so there are plenty of people with smarty-pants ideas.

The next GM of @wmata should be required to #metro to and from work minimum 3x a week. Change would happen real quick. #Sarles #Requa

— Joseph Kosten (@JMKosten) January 8, 2015

DC (and USA) should focus and invest in improving public transportation. Why? Because what happened today could’ve been avoided. #wmata

— Felisa Hsieh (@FelisaHsieh) May 11, 2015

Simple Math Tweet: To properly operate #WMATA you would need a 2000 car fleet to account for 100% 8 car trains every 3 mins & proper maint.

— Roger C. Bowles (@Roger_Bowles) April 9, 2015

The Potty-Mouths

Politeness gets you nowhere, so fuck it.

Unfuck yourselves this instant, metro. Geez. #wmata #dcmetro

— Russell Henry (@IamTheRussBus) August 7, 2015

If I tweet how I feel about fuck ass wmata right now, the Feds will pick me up.

— Island Goddess (@MyzPrettyInPink) September 25, 2015

What the fuck metro? Not servicing twinbrook or white flint? You realize some people have jobs to get to? Fuck outta here @wmata

— Terry Dobbins (@ScenesOfMadness) July 15, 2015

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE SHITTIEST MORNING EVER FUCK @wmata

— ⠀ (@bvttyboy) May 11, 2015

The Hacks

Because of course you had to drag politics into it.

New rule. Next time #Republicans in Congress want to slash federal funding for @wmata, they have to ride the metro or a bus for a week.

— Kevin M Levy (@KevinMLevy) July 16, 2015

I probably wouldn’t vote for Dr. Ben Carson , but i would vote on him to perform brain surgery on who ever is running the #wmata

— Ya Boy Death (@YaBoyDeath) August 7, 2015

Clusterfuck at Foggy Bottom Metro station. Thanks Obama. Thanks #WMATA

— Mark Borelli (@NotYaMotha) May 11, 2015

This article appears in our December 2015 issue of Washingtonian.

Benjamin Freed

Staff Writer

Benjamin Freed joined Washingtonian in August 2013 and covers politics, business, and media. He was previously the editor of DCist and has also written for Washington City Paper, the New York Times, the New Republic, Slate, and BuzzFeed. He lives in Adams Morgan.